Unluckiest Trackball

Unluckiest Trackball

By Dorian Hanks


"Happy early birthday cuz" said my cousin TheMarine. He handed me a BlackBerry. Now I'm not the kind of guy to buy the newest phone or gadget. Hell the only gaming systems I own now are a Playstation 2 and a Nintendo 64. My cousin, bless his heart, saw the prehistoric phone I was using (a flip phone that had limited features and no internet) and decided to hook me up since he worked for a mobile carrier.
Now the feature my old phone had that I did enjoy tremendously was taking/getting pictures. I had become obsessed with documenting my every sexual conquest and for the most part every girl I was with eventually gave into my constant begging (sad I know) to take pictures. So needless to say when I realized by adding a memory card to my new phone I could store hundreds of pictures I went ape shit! Taking and saving every picture I could. Maybe I'll publish a coffee table picture book one day titled "Chronicles of Hanks: Visual Debauchery".
Needless to say a year after my cousin gave me the phone it was beat to shit. The back had to be held on by tape, the memory was so taxed it would erase messages randomly if I didn't clean stuff out daily, but the biggest issue was the trackball. Now anybody that's had a BlackBerry with an actual trackball (not the pad that simulates one) can tell you these things suck. Dirt gets into them and causes the trackball to stick or not move. The solution? Take off the clip that holds in the trackball and the trackball and clean. Now this is all great and dandy, except for it weakens the clip, and eventually the clip breaks.
Well it happened. It broke and fell out. And I couldn't find it. And it happened on a Friday night. In my buddies car. In front of the club. FUCK. I find the track ball but not the clip. Ok I can make this work. We head in and luckily my friend that promotes at this club is outside so I don't have to call him, and we get in right away and for free.
The night is going good and I'm hanging with friends, talking to girls, dancing my ass off, and buying rounds of Kamikaze shots . . . You know the usual. There are a couple of prospects, but nothing to pull the trigger on that night. Lots of laying ground work. I realize this early in the night and decide to send out feelers to my regulars and see if I can set something up for after the club.
I'm zero for three when I decide I'll try Teea. Teea was friends with another Teea(OG) I was hooking up with regularly (on this night she was out of state). I had only hooked up with Teea once before, and it was during a three way with Teea(OG). A night I like to call TNT (like dynamite and Teea & Teea get it? Whatever I think I’m funny). Well since that night as much as I tried Teea wouldn't even give me the time a day. A real shot to my ego, and I had given up trying. Call it intuition, stubbornness, or desperation but something told me to text her.
She responded fairly quickly. Not common for her. I asked what she was doing.
Teea "Drinkin with my neighbors".
Now this was a plus cause she lived downtown and the club wasn't far from her and I always look hotter to drunken girls. We text back and forth with small talk then she gives me the green light. Teea "Well if you still feel like partying after the club you should come on over". Win. I tell her "Sure" and continue to have a good time at the club knowing I have a good thing waiting after.
At about 2am the crew I'm with decides to pack it in. Just as I'm leaving the club my phone rings and it’s Teea.

Teea "You still coming over?"
Me "Of course!"
Teea "Good! Just call me when you’re out front and I'll come down and get you"

We jump in the car and head towards her place. I tell them I'll jump out of the car a few blocks away from Teea’s apartment that way they can get on the freeway faster to head home. I get out and start walking to her place. About a block away from her place I pull out my phone to call her. Fuck me the trackball is gone! I frantically search my pockets looking for it. No go. It’s gone. Fuck. I realize she was the last person to call me and calmness comes over me and my dick stops cursing me and my phone.
I call and it’s ringing . . . And ringing . . . And ringing . . . And then voicemail. Ok. "She didn't hear it." I tell myself. I call again. Same thing. Again. Same thing. Fuck. I realize I'm pacing back and forth in front of her building mumbling and cursing and the group of people that were standing out there smoking and chatting when I walked up is now completely quite and starring at me. A tall goofy looking guy starts walking towards me. I pull my beanie low, light a cigarette, and go into hood mode. I access the group. 3 guys 1 girl. Goofy heading my way, a short stocky fire hydrant shaped Ginger guy, a medium height Humpty Dumpty shaped guy, and a very obviously intoxicated bobbed hair cute chick in footsie pajamas. Yes the kind you wore when you were a kid with the footsies attached. Now you’re thinking loopy broad right? Well you’re right, but also hot. I think the fact that her PJs were only zipped up to her belly button and she was only wearing a purple bra under them helped in the hot category. Just saying.
Now Goofy and HumptyD I can take. It’s GingerHydrant that worries me. Goofy walks up.

Goofy "You live here man?" (Imagine Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgmont High)
Me "No friend does. She invited me over but isn’t answering now"

Footsies stumbles over to us and hugs Goofys arm to keep her balance.

Footsies "What's her name?"
"Teea Sanchez" I answer as I look at her tits while looking her straight in the eye (it's a gift).
Goofy "Dude she's our neighbor!"
Footsies "I love that girl! She was drinkin wit us earlier."

My body relaxes and I unclench the fist I was hiding in my hoodie.

Footsies "We'll go get her!"

They head in and I'm at ease. I figure I'll finish my cigarette and be either balls deep in Teea or drinking with her and this crew trying to coax Footsies into showing me her tits in no time!
I realize I hadn't told my folks I wouldn't be home so I dial home and tell them I'll see them the next morning. I finish my cigarette. No Teea. No neighbors. Fuck. I wait a little longer and say fuck it I'm calling her. Then I realize she's no longer my last call, home is. Fuck. I walk over to the door and see that the intercom has a tenant list next to it. I punch in Teea’s code and it starts ringing. Voicemail. I try again. Voicemail. FUUUCK!
I look at my watch its 3:45am. Trains not running. Don't have enough money to catch a cab all the way home. Can't call anyone to save my ass because I have no trackball and memorizing phone numbers is so 1993. I start envisioning sleeping on a park bench. I start questioning my priorities and consider joining pussyholics anonymous.
I see a couple walking towards the entrance of the apartment building. They go in and I slide in after them. I take my beanie off as to not look suspicious. Now mind you I have only been to Teea’s apartment once and at the time I was only focused on pulling off a threesome, so I have no idea what her apartment number is. I remember the code next to her name was 306. I follow the couple into the elevator. They choose the seventh floor and I hit the button for the third floor. They kind of give me a weird look but I ignore it. The doors close then open again. We're on the third floor. I sheepishly look at them and push the button for the fourth floor. The elevator goes up and the doors open. Do I step out and walk away as fast as I can? No. I step out of the elevator turn back to them and tip my pretend hat at them. What. The. Fuck. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I figured if they think I'm retarded they won't judge me.
I start looking at the apartment numbers. They are ALL 306. Well they all start with 306. As in 30604, 30607, 30649. Wait 30649? What the fuck!!!! What kind of wacked out fucking Alice in Wonderland building is this!!!! I wonder the hallway hoping Teea or her neighbors come out. Or that I find a window I can jump out of. I somehow end up down a narrow hallway with a door at the end I go through it and there’s a stairwell. I go down the stairs open another door and now I'm back outside. Fuck. I put my beanie on, my hoodie up, light a cigarette and shuffle to the front of the building. I look at my watch and its 4:03am. I was only in there for 15 minutes?! It felt like hours!
I'm about to find a cozy bench to call home for the night when this angelic voice cuts through the cold crisp night - "Hanks?" I turn and there's a pair of sleepy, sparkling green eyes staring at me. It's Teea. Her red hair up in a ponytail. Her freckled round cheeks are bright pink from the cold. She's wearing a grey hoodie, sweat pants, and no shoes. She was the most majestic beauty I had ever seen . . . And I wanted to punch her in the fucking nose!
Me "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!"
Teea "Sorry babe I fell asleep."
Me "I've been calling you! Were you on a fucking heroin bender?!"
Teea "I left my phone at her place. Sorry."

Till this point I hadn't noticed that Footsies was hanging off Teea’s arm. Her eyes were wide open and she looked like she thought I was going to pick her up and use her like a bat to break Teea’s knee caps. I took a quick look at Footsies tits, closed my eyes for a second, and imagined doing dirty things to her and Teea. I call this “Centering Hanks”. I open my eyes and turn on the charm.

Me (big sigh)"I'm sorry babe. I've had a fucked up night and all I wanted was to see your beautiful face." I step towards her with my puppy dog look and place my hands on her hips and like an auto button she reaches up takes my head and guides it to her bosom.
Teea "Awe sweetie."
I take my time there and give her a slight squeeze. I pull away and pull my phone out of my pocket. I show it to her. She giggles "You poor baby." And she gives me that look that says 'I'm going to make it all better . . . By fucking your brains out'. I'll take it.
Goofy ended up being Footsies boyfriend so my hopes of using that purple bra as a blind fold on Teea were shot, but it would be plain greedy at this point to complain. Teea made good on her promise and believe me by the next morning I was grinning ear to ear. As I did my walk of shame to the train the next morning to head home I thought 'I gotta tell Junior (my best friend) this story!' I reach in my pocket pull out my phone and it all comes rushing back to me as I stared at my trackballess phone. Then I felt this slight nub under my index finger on the side of my phone. It hit me like a George St. Pierre roundhouse to the face - BLACKBERRYS HAVE VOICE DIALING! . . . I'm an idiot.