Stripper

Stripper

By Dori an Hanks

Bang! Bang! Bang! "Hanks I know you're in there come out here now!" That was my ex girlfriend banging on my window at 4am. Knock knock knock "mijo go talk to da beesh pa que se calle!" That was my mom. The naked big breasted completely silent and wide eyed girl next to me was a stripper named "Jade". How did I get here? Well I blame it on this great city I live in.
We have the most strip clubs per capita. In the country! As a young energetic and gullible 22 year old I was infatuated with them. When I turned 21 I made a pack with my eyeballs and crotch that I would go to EVERY strip club in the state. My wallet was pissed.
Now after about six months of hitting the clubs hard I was about 15 into a list of about 45, and my friends were getting sick of going to one strip club after the next. Who would have thunk it? To tell you the truth I was too, so did I stop going? No. Hell no! I found a way to make it entertaining again! With that many clubs in one city there's gonna be some seedy and questionable places among all the glitz and glamour. Those became my new targets.
Now some of these were just amazing.

The Beavers Inn - Resembled one of those portables at schools that the districts pass off as classrooms. Yeah those. Except painted orange and black (Beavers colors).

The Dancing Bare - Complete with giant neon sign of a dancing bear and the word Bear crossed out and replaced with "Bare". The highlight of this place? A fusion pool table. I shit you not, two pool tables diagonally merged into one with neon lights.

The Sandy Jug - Probably my favorite. The building was shaped like . . . You guessed it A JUG!!!!! With a fucking handle and everything!!!!

And the strippers. Oh the strippers. They matched the atmosphere. Stretch marks, tattoos, and bullet wounds. To say the least. I actually had one stripper tell me the long convoluted story that went with her STAB SCAR!!!! Yes sir the cream of the social crop.

It was in one of these sticky floor gems of establishments I met Jade. Now after all that you're probably thinking this broad’s a dog. Well she wasn't your classics orange skinned, bleach blonde, and giant stiff fake tit stripper. She had dirty blonde hair, milky white skin, bright green eyes, this thick body with great round tits and an ass that would make a black man weep. All packed into a 5'2 frame (shorter than me is always a plus). What she was doing stripping at the Landing Strip (you guessed it about 10 min away from the airport) I didn't know.
The first time I went to the Landing Strip it went like most of my visits to such places. I'd walk in with which ever friend I had dragged along and look over the place. Hit the bar and order a Pabst (I thought I was a hipster). Find a table not too close to the stage but with a good view. Watch the girls while making snide remarks until one caught my eye then I'd hit the rack. Eventually get bored and head out to the next place or a night club.
Well as we were heading out I saw her. Sitting at the bar consorting with the bartender and the regulars. I made eye contact, and thought "Damn must have missed her set!" As I reached for the door knob (yes it was a knob not a handle) to head out I hear "hey" and someone grab my wrist. It was Jade. She looks me right in the eye and says "You're too cute." Hands me her number and heads back to her stool at the bar.
Now I'm thinking "What the fuck?" Shit like this just doesn't happen to me. Now I'm not ugly but I'm not the kind of guy girls see and say "I'm gonna fuck him!" No I'm the guy that you're friends with for years then one day you're face down ass up going "How the fuck did this happen?", shortly followed with "I should have done this years ago!".
So I have this strippers’ number. Do I wait 2 days to call per the man rule? No. 3 days? No. 1 week? Nope. 2 WEEKS I wait to call this broad! I'm Dorian fucking Hanks rules don't apply. Ok let's be honest I'm lucky she remembered my stupid ass. We make a date . . . for a Wed . . . because she's a stripper.
In trying to be safe I assume, she asks me meet her there instead of picking her up. We meet downtown at a bar and because it’s a Wed not much is going on. The conversation isn't bad and her tits are spilling out of her shirt so I'm staying interested. The atmosphere was more than lacking. Then she said the magic words "I wanna dance". Now I know what you're thinking . . . "Take her to a strip club!!!" . . . And because you think that way I'm better than you. No she's at a strip club 4 nights a week. She wants to feel normal for once. So I put my plan into effect.
Dorian "I know this place on the Westside (where I live) that gets packed on Wed, has a great dance floor, a pretty good DJ, and till midnight $1 drinks for girls". Her eyes lit up! Then she got kind of pensative.
Jade "Um could we just take your car there and you can drop me off back here afterwards?"
Dorian "Sure hun. No problem." Yeah right. I read this chick like a book. We were gonna get there, she was gonna grind her ass into my crotch, get drunk, and then say she can't drive home and stay at my place. I have said it there for it shall be. Sure as shit the night went just as I thought.
Now throughout the night I was getting texts from my ex Lucy. Now Lucy is that one girl all guys have. You know the one that really fucks you up emotionally and consequently you make all other women pay for her sins. Yeah that bitch. She had recently moved back from California and was trying to rekindle our romance. By this point I had grown tired of the games especially since I found out she was banging some douchebag in a souped up Honda. At first I answered her texts. And I answered them truthfully.
Lucy "What are you up to?"
Dorian "Out with a chick I met a couple weeks ago."
Lucy "Well I'm bored talk to me Papi."
Dorian "Go talk to your Douchebag"
Lucy "Whatever I'm at my tias. Come get me after."
Dorian "Maybe" hey I had to keep the option open just in case things didn't pan out with Jade.
Throughout the night she texted me over and over. To the point I stopped responding. Once I stopped responding to the texts she started calling! By the time I got home with Jade I had just turned off my phone. Well then the scene at the beginning of this story happened and when I went outside to talk to her guess how she got to my house? That douche bags white fucking Honda!!!! "My tias" my ass! I talked her down and sent her on her way and drove Jade to her car the next morning before I went to work.
Jade and I never really went out again mainly because she was a stripper and the novelty wore off fairly quickly. Of course I told her it was just her schedule. There was one night that sealed her ejection from the Hanks rotation though.
A couple weeks after the Lucy debacle Jade texted me on a Saturday night.
Jade "I'm at work. Come see me!"
Dorian "Out clubbing with friends"
Jade "Meet me after and follow me to my place"
Dorian "ok" fuck yeah I was going to hit it again.
I get to the Landing Strip just as she putting her luggage (yes actual suitcases most strippers use them for their "costumes") into her car. Now remember last time we met at a bar then went in my car to the next place and back to my place. When I dropped her back downtown I left her in front of a parking garage, so until this point I hadn't seen her car. BMW? Mercedes Benz? Infinity? No. A Ford . . . Tempo . . . From 1992! Now I'm not one to judge people based on their vehicles (I've driven a goddamn Chevy Citation), but it threw me for a loop none the less. The back seat . . . Oh the back seat. I couldn't see the fucking thing because there was so much crap on it! Clothes, fast food wrappers, empty soda bottles, shoes, . . . And a baby seat! To this point she hadn't even mentioned having a kid! Now I'm drunk, horny, and in the complete opposite side of the river from my place so I pretend I saw none of this shit. We get in our cars and I follow her home.
Where was her home? The Northeast side of town. You know the side of town that has a liquor store or a gun shop on every other corner. Or both. Straight hood. By this point my cock is driving the car not me. We get to her place and I do the gentlemanly thing and dig her luggage out of the landfill she called the back seat of her car and carried it up to her house. She opened the door and her place looked like the TV show "Hoarders"! Her living room made her car look like an operating table in comparison!!! In the middle of it a dingy gray sofa with two fat black kids asleep on! She wakes them up and shoos them upstairs as I stand in the front doorway looking in disbelief.
Kids "Who's he?"
Jade "A friend. You'll meet him in the morning"
The fuck they were.
We walk down to her "room" which was actually a basement converted into a bedroom, and by converted I mean a bed and a toilet were shoved into the dark damp hole of the house. Next to her bed a rolling cart with a 12" TV and a DVD player on it. On her bed . . . a baby! Doesn't this chick believe in birth control?! She takes the baby upstairs somewhere.
We get into bed and she puts on some movie I gave to shits about. We proceed to fuck. At this point I just wanted to bust a nut a get the fuck out! My pride gets a hold of me and I make sure she cums a couple times before I pull the trigger and finish. We cuddle for a little bit, and then I head to the "bathroom" to take my condom off. As I'm pissing a giant roach scurried by my feet! That's it I was fucking done! I threw on my clothes and ran out giving her some excuse about having a family event the next morning.
After that anytime she texted or called I kept it short. She got the picture quick and stopped calling. Months later I went by the Landing Strip just for the fuck of it, but she wasn't working there anymore. So now when talking to friends I pull the "I fucked a stripper" card when bragging about conquests. I just don't go into the details.